Chapters 10-12 of Mr. Self Destruct

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Chapter 10: Don’t Speak

"Dear diary,

Go piss off you whore! Did I mention I hate group counseling? Well I do and this shit is annoying. It is more like piercing than a needle through my eye. So now you know and I don't need to delve into why. I'm not going to indulge you asshole. Here that dumbass group counselor goes. Time to start our session.

"Taison would you like to share with the group what you do for fun?" asked the group counselor in a chipper voice. Boy he sounds like he’s gay and had one too many cosmos.

The counselor’s name was Eric and he really annoyed me. He was a fat, pudgy, balding man. He had sausages for fingers and probably moonlighted as a luchador wrestler. This guy stood over 6 feet and was built like a heavy tank. I had been going to this mental health group as therapy for a while. It was recommended to me by my friend Judith, so I decided to give it a try. It was the only thing I had been doing before I met back up with Dr. Ronson. I finally decided to answer after a long pause.

"I birdwatch I guess? It's fairly relaxing" I said with a tinge of sarcasm. I wasn't going to tell some group of strangers I like to people watch and I watch women as they leave work, yet I’m too afraid to kidnap them. I like to view people with my binoculars almost like it’s a sport. I could probably surveil everyone in that room with no problem like an FBI agent.

"That sounds fun Taison. A hobby like that requires time and patience. I imagine you have seen almost every bird indigenous to this area” Eric said sounding surprised.

“Well I guess you could say that. I have been doing it for years. It was a hobby my sister and I shared” I said emotionally. Great now they did it they struck a nerve. My sister and I haven’t talked since I moved out of our house a few years ago. She has been quite bitter ever since. I don’t expect her to feel differently, I left our mother when she was most vulnerable. My sister went to live with our oldest aunt. She’s happier there and safer there too. If mom wants to drink and be a junkie she can do it on her own time.

“Taison, is there anything you would like to share with the group. Something you haven’t shared before that could help the group understand you better. Is there anything at all?” Eric asked seriously.

I hope he wasn’t expecting me to talk about the emotional stupid shit that has happened to me in the past. Here we go again, the flashbacks are starting. There was this time I remember my mom was so high out of her mind on cocaine, she tried to smother us. No joke, she literally came up to us while we were sleeping, and was going to hold a pillow over my sister’s face. She said we were abominations and that we were a product of Satan. That day I learned to sleep with one eye open when I’m remotely near my mother. Shit the flashbacks were happening again. I also remember getting pushed down the stairs by my father when he was drunk and he merely blamed it on an accident. Ya sure the stairs tripped me, those evil assholes. I couldn’t share anything about me, these people would think I was crazy, and they were the saner ones.

“No nothing to share today. Unless you want to know how I feel about TV programming. They’re getting rid of all the popular TV programs to bring in crap they think will be popular. What the television industry doesn’t understand is our viewing habits have moved to online streaming. They want to get rid of Nashville, American Idol, and other shows because of ratings. The ratings can suck it!” I said emphatically. If I didn’t sound crazy before I sure did now.

“Thank you Taison! So you’re angry with the cable company and the television industry? I guess it’s time to write some lengthy letters and send them via e-mail. It might be therapeutic?”

Thanks for the offer doc, I might try that, but it might not do any good. As far as sharing any personal things that have happened or things bugging me, you’re going to have to try harder” I said viciously with a cocky smirk. This guy was funny and oh look it’s time to go. Diary let’s get out of here before I kick Eric’s ass.

Chapter 11: Tick, Tick Boom (6 years earlier)

“Dear Diary,

You know the drill! Rot in hell you piece of crap. I still remember when I first became exposed to explosions and blood. It excited me and it brought out sheer jubilation in me.

I was sitting in chemistry class listening to a boring lecture about combustible elements. It was actually quite boring, but I was close to failing science. I needed a good grade on the next quiz and test to bring my grade up to a steady C. Mr. Robinson would not shut the hell up though. It’s like he was in love with the topic. I wondered if he cooked meth in his spare time. He even talked about how they used chemicals safely in TV shows and movies. Frankly it was rather boring, but I idly sat back and let him incessantly babble.

    “Alright class, we’re going to get into pairs of two, and we’re going to do our lab for the day. Now pick carefully, because the person you work with will have to do half the work, and you both receive the same grade” said Mr. Robinson

Who was I going to choose? This wasn’t an easy task at all. “Hey Taison, would you like to be partners with me?” asked Ashley Harrison. I was thrown back by this. Had Ashley just asked if I wanted to be partners? She was a cheerleader and played on the lacrosse team. I wasn’t sure if she had some sort of motive for asking me or if she really just wanted to work with me.

“Now class, you must find two elements that work together in harmony, and create an explosive reaction. You can only use two elements and nothing else” You have 30 minutes and your time starts now. Please don’t blow up my lab” Mr Robinson said with a smile, like it was a joke. In a barely audible whisper he said “but accidents happen”. I wish he wouldn’t have said that or asked us to do this experiment. I could do a lot of different experiments.

“Hey Ashley, I think we should do a reaction with sugar and potassium chlorate. If you use a gummy bear, it looks like you’re putting it to death” I said sounding excited.

“Ok we can try it, it actually sounds fun” Ashley said in amazement like a deer in the headlights.

“Hey Mr. Robinson, we need gummy bears and potassium chlorate” I said assertively and quickly. Of course he had to approve the experiment before you began and your time started.

“That’s an explosive combination. Are you and your partner able to do the experiment and lab safely and efficiently” said Mr. Robinson sounding extremely worried.

“Of course we can or I wouldn’t have asked for the materials” I said cockily.

“Remember to only use 60 milliliters of potassium per every gummy bear. If you use too much the glass will break” said Mr. Robinson with a worried look, as he handed us our items.

“ok so let’s get started. Our time is clicking down. You have to get the potassium chlorate boiling. Can you do that quickly” she looked at me seriously and with almost a pleading look.

I knew she needed a good grade on the next few labs and on her next test to get a B for the 2nd quarter. I would do anything in my power to help. I got the potassium chlorate to a rolling boil, but I forgot to tell Ashley one thing. i added too much potassium chlorate on purpose and now I just added three gummy bears. Suddenly, the test tube exploded and Ashley got a severe cut on her right hand trying to shield herself. She would have got glass in her eyes too if she wasn’t wearing safety glasses. As the blood slowly trickled down, Mr. Robinson quickly rushed over.

"Ashley, here's a gauze pad and some bandage tape.

Please go to the nurse now. Taison please take her there" said Mr. Robinson sounding worried. He almost looked like this was his first time seeing blood and he was going to puke or faint. What a pussy!

Since that happened we both received an A on our lab. It was an A by default for an injury and creating an explosion. Ashley was overjoyed by this and from that point on. We maintained casual contact throughout high school.

Chapter 12: Spin me right round (Present Day)

“Dear Diary,

Why do I even bother! Maybe I’m getting better or maybe I’m getting worse. I haven’t figured it out yet honestly. The doc thinks I should take meds, so she has me on Lithium and Cymbalta. I’m not sure if it will help yet, I guess I have to give it a few weeks to see results.

Ya I have heard that one before and that’s a bunch of bureaucratic bull crap. Of course this was after my second session surprise surprise. I wasn't sure if she thought I was a severe case or her new lab rat. I did some research on Lithium and it has some severe side effects, Cymbalta not so much. Some of those side effects is extreme tiredness, vertigo, nausea, and lack of appetite. I had a cupboard full of food, but no ambition to cook it. I felt like a zombie, and for the first time ever, I considered that getting help was the worst idea ever. I had no violent or suicidal ideations, but I would walk in the room and forget what I was getting. I also was having really bad nightmares and hallucinations. These weren't any normal hallucinations, they were visual and auditory. I thought I heard Jamaican music playing loudly at my very white next door neighbors house. I pounded on the walls to turn it down, but it was playing at my house. I even thought that my collection of action figures came to life. This Lithium was doing a doozy on me and I didn't want anyone to see me like this. I felt like I was a walker on the hunt for brains. I really needed to tell the doc about this before things got worse. I was seeing her today at 3pm she'll help me.

Mr. Self Destruct chapters 7 through 9

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Chapter 7: As The World Turns

   "Dear diary,

Hey you’re an asshole and I still haven’t figured out why I write in you! You seem like such a time waster and your worth is nonexistent. This writing of my feelings is horseshit and the doctor is a buffoon. Seriously, when they said brains, she thought they said trains. She started shouting Choo Choo in excitement.

Oh here she comes now. A light knock came at the door and Dr. Ronson peeked her head in. “It’s me! How’s my favorite patient today?” she said with excitement, as she tried to cut the tension in the room that I was projecting toward her. I had a lot going on with me lately that I wasn’t sure she could handle on the first session. I recently lost my job, had to find a new place to live, and my love life was nonexistent too. I was a black cloud of doom and I wasn’t sure she could handle it. If anyone could help though, she was the only one I trusted. She was literally the only one I could share my deepest and darkest secrets with and she wouldn’t judge me. When you have a doctor like that, then you don’t change them or lose contact with them. Everyone else thought I was crazy. Not really the best term to use or a very appropriate term. I was probably nuttier than a squirrel turd though, and the reason I wasn’t in a padded room was because of her.

    “So tell me how you’re feeling today Taison. How has everything been? When was the last time we had a formal or informal session? Probably too long right?” said Dr. Ronson with excitement.

    “It has been over 3 years. I have had to deal with people at a community mental health and their horseshit. You lived in a completely different state. You just conveniently moved here. Not really sure why?”

    “Taison I’m worried about you and I don’t know where this hostility is coming from. I have always been here for you. We maintained contact by phone and Skype until about a year ago. It seemed like you disconnected from everything and everyone. I got offered the chance to start my practice here and I took it. My business partner is another psychiatrist, Mr. Brundy, and he’s in the room across the hall. We chose here because it’s small and quaint”

    “I honestly don’t believe you. You’re worried about me, the crazy sociopath patient, and the first chance you got to assist me you took it” I said venomously with a bitter tone, as the words spilled from my mouth. The words flew like projectile, or like word vomit. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything like that, but I did in haste and anger. I was totally in the wrong, but someone deserved to hear my wrath.

    “Taison, we don’t have to have the session right now or you can talk about anything else that you want to. Really, I want to show you that I want to be your friend and your doctor” she said kindly and trying to sound serious.

    “Bad move doc, never befriend your patient, it can be very violent and toxic. What About Bob, Joker and Harley Quinn from the Batman series, or Silence of the Lambs…any of that starting to ring a bell? Patients who need help are there to get help, not watch a movie or play golf with you. Sure let’s plan a robbery or a murder spree next” I said with sarcasm.

    Her face was priceless, as her jaw dropped in what looked like surprise and disgust. If her jaw dropped anymore she probably would have been able to win an eating contest. She didn’t know what to say next. She was unprepared for me and rightfully so she should have been.

    “Taison I don’t know what to say to any of that. I thought you wanted this session? Is everything ok with you? What is going on at home?” She said with a concerned voice.

It's not something I wanted to spring on her as a worried and ashamed look came over my face. I had been ashamed by all the things that had happened to me recently. “My grades are slipping in college. It’s been to the point I was almost on academic probation. I lost my job, I lost my vehicle, and I don't have a stable place to live. My life is shitty right now. I won't be graduating with a master’s degree if I don't finish my last year and do an internship. I'm a complete fuck up and I always have been” I said viciously.

“Taison, you’re misguided and you just need a new direction. Almost like a boat who needs to move its sails a different direction. I can only help if you let me” she said as our eyes seemed to make direct contact. I had her where I wanted her now. I was in control of the conversation, but for the first time in a long time, I really didn’t want to talk. Suddenly, she continued, and her incessant babbling was starting to become aggravating

“If I also may interject, you should stop beating yourself up and being so critical. It sure doesn't sound like the Taison I know. You're full of ambition and intensity. You have fire in your belly unlike others, and I think you can do anything you put your mind too. When we first met, you were an ambitious and driven teenager. I still remember how you wanted to be a lawyer or an advocate for younger children. Are you still trying to pursue that?” she asked curiously.

          My heart and my mind started to race. I wasn't sure what to think. Hadn't she ever heard the saying curiosity killed the cat! Well, I won't be the one to tell her, it’s really cliche, My focus is still the same. I'm studying to be a legal advocate or defense attorney for the less fortunate. I want to be able to help people. I'm not worried as much about the money, as I am about doing well for others. That was a complete lie, but it worked out great. My degree program is in social work, and I can still be a legal advocate. I seasoned my lies with a little truth. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. I just hope she didn't see through my facade and think I was a pathological liar. That could get bad quick and I didn't need that. After a little more conversation, the session was done. I couldn't wait to run out the door, but I held my composure. When she handed me a new appointment card, I walked out and I was free for another week.

Chapter 8: Life is a lemon

Dr. Ronson held her Dictaphone in her hand, turned it on, and started to speak. "My patient Taison had his first session and it went OK. He hasn't had a professional session with me in a few years. The patient suffers from many issues like before. Things like narcissism, sociopathy, social anxiety, and manic depression. That’s just to name a few things. Patient is extremely intelligent and conniving. It is not advisable that the patient works more than a part time job with the public. I also worry he may be a danger to himself or others. Patient needs to have more sessions with me before I decide what meds would be good for him".

      She briefly stopped and gazed out the window. She watched as a squirrel took nuts to its hole that it had. She wished the meeting today probably would have went a little smoother. Possibly with engaging conversation or none at all. There was so much anger in Taison's voice and she wasn't sure why.

      "Patient exhibited a lot of anger and hostility toward me. Not sure if it was supposed to be projected at me or if it was completely accidental. I will discuss the possibility of new med's and how to help him deal with his current stress. I hope I can help him, I worry he may become more violent" she said as she sighed. For the first time, she admitted Taison was dangerous. She needed to do whatever she could to help him quickly.

Chapter 9: Frayed edges

    

“Dear Diary,

I want to kidnap a woman and commit my first act of violence, but I don’t have the balls to actually go through with it. I am a complete buffoon and a pansy. Fuck you diary for snickering at me. I have been watching her awhile and still haven’t made a move. Maybe I’m not cut out to stalk, kidnap, or kill. Maybe I should be thinking more about committing larger crimes.

I sat there in my car waiting for her to leave work. Her name was Mona and she was far from my league. She had silky white skin, pouty lips, a button nose, brown hair, green eyes, average size height and weight, and she has a nice chest and butt. She worked at a Domino’s pizza place across town full time. I knew her schedule very well and it seemed to hardly ever change. The only time it changed is when she switched shifts or schedules with her friend Angelika. Tonight was not one of those nights and no one else was helping her cover the tail end of the shift.

I watched her from a distance and just waited. She had made a few pizzas to sell at the counter and completed a few pickups. She was getting ready to close soon. I wasn't sure if tonight would be the night, but I would sure as hell try. I had dropped the ball on trying to kidnap her for the longest time now. I was starting to think I was a complete idiot. I needed to find a dark spot with no cameras and very little light. This was next to impossible in this area and if there were no cameras, there was still a traffic light or some dumbass nosey person. I knew that she walked home and what route she took every night. Now all I had to do was wait, and try not to fall asleep. I was actually tucked back toward the back of the parking lot, but I could still see her. When she left and she started walked I would drive up next to her and ask if she needed a ride. If she took the invitation, I would make sure she didn’t leave the car. She would be like a moth to a flame, or a fly caught in a spider’s web. I just sat in my car just waiting and watching. Finally, an hour later, she locked up, and she headed down the sidewalk away from Domino’s. Diary abort the mission. I’m a complete pussy, let’s try something different.”

Chapter 4 through 6 of Mr Self Destruct

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Chapter 4: The Discussion

"Dear diary,

Hey how are you today? Why in the hell am I talking to a diary? You won’t talk back! You're an idiot and you can go to hell. I'm sorry and I shouldn't be so angry. I have an appointment with Dr. Robson today. Here's what happened.

While I waited in one of the waiting rooms, I paced nervously. I was told I could go into office one so I did. I decided to lay down on Dr. Ronson’s comfy couch staring blankly at the ceiling. I was in a daze like state just enjoying the sounds of my heartbeat and breathing. I was waiting for her to finally come in, as I glanced at the clock quickly. I’m not really sure, but I think five minutes had already passed and she was starting to irritate me. This session wasn’t going to be a walk in the park for her, and by the time she was done she would want me admitted or she would think I was normal. My ideations and my flashbacks sure weren’t normal and I think she really needed to hear me out. Maybe talking to someone would help me out a lot. I saw a bowl of starlight mints, so I grabbed one and popped it in my mouth. Finally, a knock came to her office door, and she came in. Any longer and I probably would have possibly grew a beard. If she made her patients really wait this long, I felt bad for the kids that went and seen her because they got hurt or missed mommy and daddy.

“Hi Taison, I’m glad to meet you. I have heard good things about you from the kids and head counselors” said Dr. Ronson.

“Thanks, I’m really nothing special. You really just have to listen and pay attention to them. They are like little clients if the camp were a Walmart” I said with narcissism and sarcasm.

Dr. Ronson chuckled and slightly snorted.

“That’s a good one. but I guess you’re right to some regard. The kids are like little customers.” she said sounding impressed and engaged in the conversation.

“I have worked at a few other camps before this one. I have the qualifications to go a lot of different places, I just like working at camps” I said modestly

Dr Ronson was a middle aged woman in her early 40’s who probably had a husband and a small dog. She probably had trouble conceiving or didn’t want any children. She may have seen enough kids at her job, that she decided not to have kids. Strike that! She possibly could have had a wife and two small dogs. She most certainly could have dressed them up and carried them around with her. Ya she’s most likely the female half of her lesbian relationship for sure.

What actually validated that was a picture of a younger female on her desk who looked like she was in her late 20’s or early 30’s. It was either her other half or she’s really close to her sister. I can almost guarantee all of her family lives around the United States. Dr. Ronson was fairly pretty with creamy white skin. She definitely didn’t look like she got beat with an ugly stick. She had a strawberry blonde hair, blue eyes, a button nose, and plump lips. She was also extremely rail thin. She looked like she needed to eat at a fast food restaurant, but I imagine she was a strict vegan or vegetarian. She seemed fairly nice too and she had a lot of degrees and awards on her wall.

“So what brings you here today Taison? Is everything ok? It looks like you’re not sleeping enough?” said Dr. Ronson.

“Well I’m not sure how to explain my situation without you thinking I’m crazy! I could start from the beginning, but I’m not sure where the beginning really is?” I said blankly.

“Start wherever you would like to. I’m not here to judge, I’m only here to listen” said Dr. Ronson.

“It all started as soon as I could walk. My parents thought I was delayed compared to my sister. They liked to compare me a lot to her and others around me. I was never perfect in their eyes, I was just Taison. I don’t even know how they came up with my name to tell you the truth. To this day no one has ever told me. I think it was just one of those hasty and drunken decisions. I think I was the winner of the race to the egg and that’s really it. All of the rest of the happy swimmers were probably drunk or high. Ya let’s go with that theory instead of saying I was a gift from God” I said flippantly.

“I’m not where all the hostility comes from, but I would love to talk to you more about things, you seem to need someone to talk to” said Dr. Ronson. She seemed to always be the only

one that listened and I guess she worried about me. We’ll get back to all of that later.

“Let’s talk about your home life. How is the relationship with your family? How do get along with your mom and your sister? Is your dad in the picture?” Asked Dr. Ronson prodding an answer from me. She didn’t understand that she was actually initiating a shut down. I hate talking about personal shit like this. It will take more than one session to understand me. Nice try doc.

“It will take a whole session to understand my family life maybe even more. Let’s try another appointment in a few days doc” I said sarcastically. That's how I ended my session diary. Now screw you! It's time for me to go home and watch Mad Men"

Chapter 5: Perception

“Time is 2:10 pm. Patient’s name is Taison Daniels. Patient seemed agitated and disoriented. Patient looked like he hadn’t had enough sleep. Patient possibly suffers from possible bouts of delusional grandeur. He probably suffers from narcissism and is extremely ego driven. It is also my medical opinion that patient shows early signs of sociopathy. He refused to talk much about his family life or past events. He was rather catatonic and maintained direct eye contact, like he was trying to mesmerize me. Patient is going to need a lot of therapy and I don’t know if I can be the one to provide it. He will need to see someone really skilled, and I am going to have to start looking now for a referral. I hope I can get Taison to talk more about his home life and his past experiences. This is going to be a full time project, but I’m sure I can get him to crack” Dr. Ronson said into her Dictaphone. She decided she was done for right now, and this would be enough notes. Now it was time for her to have lunch. She was going to have egg salad sandwiches her wife made her, a bag of chips and an apple.. Her wife always packed something for her lunch or for a snack. She sighed a breath of relief, but she knew that this was going to be a tough client”.

Chapter 6: Back to reality

(Present day)

“Dear diary,

Let's be a little more civil and a lot less angry. Let me tell you about my first new appointment with Dr. Ronson. This is how I remember the day…

It was 9 am when I rolled over and looked at the clock, as the ear splitting alarm blared trying to wake me up. I hit the snooze because I knew I could sleep another half hour. I had to be at an appointment by 11 am. I really didn’t want to go, but I knew I had to because it was for my own mental health. I rolled back over because I just wanted to lay in this warm bed for as long as I could. My appointment was too see Dr. Ronson, the same one I used to see when I worked at summer camp. She had just recently moved to Detroit, Michigan and so did I, which was just out of sheer coincidence. She seen me at Starbucks and handed me her business card. She said that she wanted to see me and to follow up on my progress with the other psychologists. I usually had seen her once a year since I worked at the camp, but she wanted me to see her regularly again. I wasn’t sure about it; if I was seeing her regularly that would open up a big can of worms. What would she think about me if she knew even more about me? I still haven’t told her everything about myself and some of the things I told her about myself was a complete lie. The only thing I was best at my whole life was lying. Everyone lies, so why not me right? Even white lies or stretching the truth can hurt someone, even if you don’t think so! Sometimes people think what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them, but that’s far from the truth. Dr. Ronson didn’t know I had ideations of violence and that should be something she should know right now (if ever). I neglected to tell her for her own safety I guess. I didn’t need her to think I was crazy and lock me away in a padded room. I was quite normal, I just had the ideations, and they seemed to worsen. Have I done bad stuff in my past? Yes I have and I can remember it quite well. I don’t want to have another flashback again. Finally, I was dressed and out the door, after putting up with all the negative self-talk. I drove over to Dr. Ronson’s office and arrived at 10:45 am. I guess it was now or never to sit down and open up with her again.

“Taison, I can see you now. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be with you in a minute. I have to make a quick call to someone and respond to an e-mail” said Dr. Ronson kindly.

Ya diary, so that’s how my day went and I’m not really amused yet. Tick tock doc, I don’t have all day. It’s not like I have a clear schedule. Oh by the way diary. Screw you still, as much as you think you’re helping I see no real help yet”.

Chapters 1 through 3 of Mr Self Destruct

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Part 1: Mr. Self Destruct

Chapter 1: Curtain Call

"Dear diary

Go to hell I don't want to write in here! It's supposed to be therapeutic though, so I guess I’ll give it a whirl. Goddammit this diary isn't going to help me with my speech. Fuck it’s due today!

I sat in class while I waited to present my speech. The presentation was on The Life and Times of Mark Twain. I was all prepared with my speech, until I got in front of the podium. My palms became sweaty and I felt that my heart was going to beat out of my chest. As I held the papers, I noticed a tremor in my hand, I willed it to stop, yet it progressively started to get worse. I was a nervous wreck! I could feel the sweat trickle down my back, as a large bead rolled from my hairline. I felt like everyone around me was staring at me like lions ready to pounce a gazelle. I started getting warm and itchy and had to ask to be excused. I couldn’t handle the pressure of the crowd and I was overwhelmed by the astute undivided attention. I was ashamed of the way I performed that I went into the library to hide. The research section was a like a haven. There I hid and tried to cry. After every passing minute I grew angrier, until I slammed a book against the table. It made the loudest thud, but it actually relieved some of my anger. I breathed a deep sigh of relief. I hoped no one heard my bout of aggression, but for now I really didn’t care, my next class wasn’t for a few hours.

There was no getting out of presenting my research the next day. I had to do it in front of Dr. Thomas and take a 10 point demerit for what happened today. My name is Taison and I am a 24 year old college student. I have been working on my associate’s degree for two semesters now. I was a late bloomer I guess. I decided to enter the Peace Corps, so I went to college later than most of my peers.

    I stared off into the distance and daydreamed about Angela Danson. She was the girl of my dreams, yet I was afraid to say anything. She was popular, beautiful and high maintenance. I don’t even think she knew I existed. It so happened that she also had to do her presentation the same day.

Her research was on global warming and I was anxious to hear her speak. She had to present her presentation the same day because I guess she was sick. A hangover doesn’t count as sick, but I guess she thinks so. She didn’t look like she was ready to present either, She looked like she was going to wing the hell out of this. She was probably one of those party until you drop and fly by the seat of your pants type. As I said, her presentation was on global warming, not that it mattered or anything, Global warming wasn’t going away if it was even real. That’s like people on Facebook trying to ask for likes to help cure an illness or pay a hospital bill.  I have been watching Angela a while now and wasn’t sure if she was aware of it. I hope that I could someday make her notice me, though I doubt that would happen.  She’s high maintenance after all and completely out of my league. Our presentations went well and this time I did not run for cover. Though I was just as nervous as the day before, I bit down the nausea that rose to my throat and went through it.

After we got done, the professor said we could leave and I breathed a sigh of relief. As I walked out of the classroom, I bumped into someone by accident. I was still thinking about Angela and how her singsong voice rang in my ears all morning. The collision brought me out of my thoughts, as I noticed that the guy and I both knocked our books over. I looked up and made contact with the male student. The guy looked like he could crush me, but I showed no fear. He face was twisted in derision and as he sneered at me.

“Hey watch where you’re going asshole! Do you need glasses dumbass? Seriously I should punch you in your face. I would punch you if I wasn’t already late” the guy said arrogantly.

As his acidic tone ripped into me, I felt the heat of anger start to burn in my belly. The more I listened, the bigger the ball of fire got until my skin flushed with its heat. He brushed passed me, almost knocking me over. I watched as he conceitedly walked away.

“Arrogant bastard,” I grunted to myself.

I followed him for a few minutes and watched where he headed. As soon as we passed the classrooms and we were out of range of security cameras, I caught up to him. I grabbed him from behind and could see the startled expression on his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but my doubled fist landed square on his lips. The warm gush of blood hit against my skin.

As my fist landed a few times, I could hear him groan in pain. His blood splattered on my arm and on my face. I felt the rush of anger flow through me. With each strike was a new flow of energy that fed my soul. Inside I felt fulfilled, as I saw the blood spill from his mouth.

I savagely beat him until he was curled in the fetal position. To top it off I spit in his face and kicked him in the head. I was about to kick him again, when something inside me halted me.

“Take that asshole! Next time have some consideration. I was going to apologize” I said and I walked away nonchalantly.

I didn’t know what had came over me. I felt satisfied and at the same time terrified of my actions. I looked around anxiously, hoping no one witnessed it. I also hoped that he didn’t recognize me or anything. I hate people who have to stomp around with a superiority complex. As I tell you my story, don’t be afraid, this is the story of a Sociopath. That's my day in a nutshell diary. Now go to hell" .

Chapter 2: Glowing Embers

(Seven Years Earlier)

"Dear diary,

I’m remembering when I went to work for a summer camp. It was the best and worst times of my life. It helped shape who I am in many different ways. Goddammit here come the flashbacks again.

I sat there smiling, as I watched the fire glow red, yellow, and orange. It glistened as the moon rose off in the distance. I heard the howl of a wolf off in the distance and the sound of fireworks cracked loudly. I was slightly amused by the crack of fireworks, but more amused by the glowing fire. I was fascinated in watching something else go ablaze. Oh how I wished something else would go ablaze, but that wouldn’t happen. I still remember when I was younger and my house burned down. It went up in flames like a matchstick and I showed no emotion. The firefighters and police ruled it as an accident due to a lighter, but I knew different, and I wasn’t saying otherwise. I had helped light my sister’s room on fire by giving her the lighter and a piece of rolled up paper. How was I to know she was a pyromaniac. I would have left her in the burning room screaming too, if she didn’t escape out the window, struggling and gasping for air. I was fascinated with the sheer terror on her face and I still remember it to this day.

I still remember her shouts to me as she screamed “Taison help. Don’t just let me die in here”. As I watched the fire dance, I wasn’t scared of it. Instead,I was perplexed why others were scared of fire. While others worried about getting burnt, I knew to be more scared of a blade, than a flame. Shit, I was more scared of a venomous snake than a fire! It was my turn to put my marshmallows into the fire to get them molten hot. I wasn’t admiring the fire for the charred smell of food, I watched it burn like nature intended.

“That’s some nice marshmallow roasting Taison, you seem to be an expert” said lead camp counselor Robert with a laugh.

    “Thanks, I guess. There’s no real technique. Just don’t be afraid of the marshmallow” I said smugly

    “Would you like to show the younger kids how you do it?” said Robert.

    “Sure. I mean I can try. It’s not that hard” I said trying to brush him off.

I couldn’t stand Robert and I think he could tell. He was a pompous ass and so was everyone else here. The camp was called camp Honeyhole and I was an assistant camp counselor here. I’m 17 and I needed a job, this job was a walk in the park compared to others. Why not take a job like this, it required no real thinking? I needed the extra money, so what a better way than to work at a camp? I got to vacation for the summer and I got to enjoy my summer somewhere else besides home while getting paid. I live in Flint, Michigan and there’s not much going on here during the summer. The place is a black hole of wasteland and I’m unsure why my mom hasn’t moved my sister and I away from here.

    Finally, everyone had gluttonously filled up on hot dogs and s’mores thanks to my help. The campfire roared just a little longer, as we told ghost stories and sang corny camp songs. Then, Robert threw a pail of water on the fire and that gleam in my eye faded. For the first time that night, I was briefly saddened, not for anyone or anything living, but something destructive.

I still remember the sessions I had with my psychologist. She referred to me as a sociopath to my parents and in her notes. I still didn’t completely what that was, but I don’t think it has anything to do with fluffy bunnies and unicorns. From what I read, it has to do with someone lacking sympathy for other living beings. I remember many instances in which that has happened. I wasn’t scared to admit that I was possibly textbook crazy. I also didn’t care what the hell people thought of me either! Were other people willing to admit their problems though? Was my father willing to admit that he is an alcoholic who walked out when things were rough? He left his family high and dry and let them live on scraps. Was my mother willing to admit that she was a drug addict who supported us and her habit turning tricks? I won’t hold my breath on either of them because denial isn’t a river in Egypt. Some people will say to pray for them, but God doesn’t exist. If he really did exist, he died! He stopped answering my prayers long ago!

    I laid there on a picnic table looking up at the stars. I’m not sure what people actually seen when they looked at the stars, but all I saw was balls of molten hot gas. That may sound like the scientific answer, but who the hell cares. If you put a pig in a dress, it’s still a pig right? Well that’s how I feel right about now, as I sit in contemplation and deep thought.

A shooting star went by and I made a wish, not that it mattered, it won’t come true anyways. So dear diary fuck you today okay. Those memories were too painful to relive and to even think of them is a sonofabitch. I think I’m done for now. I’m going to watch a movie on Netflix. I hear they have some decent original documentaries too."

Chapter 3: The Ruiner

   

"Dear diary,

Hey go to hell really don't feel like talking. I'm told it's therapeutic to express my feelings in writing, but that was laughable too. Shit, here comes the flashbacks again! I stood there staring at the bullseye admiring it and trying to visualize the arrow hitting it. The bullseye was 300 feet away, but I was confident I would hit it without a problem. I was told to do that by a trained archer a few years back in an archery class I took. I was told I was a fairly skilled shot, and with practice, I would be someone to not be messed with. I was the last one to shoot and I was trying to earn 150 points for my team to gain a large lead ahead of everyone. I really didn’t need to, I could miss and we would still be ahead, but only by a few points if I missed.

I wanted us to gain a large lead ahead of everyone and that would show that that the Quirky Ducks were just as good as everyone else. I helped lead a group of precocious and energetic 4th graders who everyone thought were geeky. Smart people are the next generations Bill Gate’s, Steve Job’s, Dr. Dre, Mark Zuckerberg, and others. I really didn’t need to get a bullseye, I didn’t need to stress over it, I could miss and we would still be ahead, but only by a few points if I missed. I could hit the other spots on the target and I would still put us at an advantage. I really wanted us to win because the grand prize was lunch with Jason Statham. The boys were excited about that and they knew they were at a far lead. They really wanted to meet an action star like him this would give them some ambition too.

Oh God, it was happening again! Not again! I was having flashbacks of all of my negative childhood memories. They just keep flooding in and it’s becoming uncontrollable.  In my defense, I shot the bird by accident and for a quick moment in time, I felt horrible. That was the moment in time I felt like I could be responsible for hurting anything or anyone I touched. My teacher took me aside and said

“Since you injured it, you need to put it out of its misery”.

    He secretly handed me a hammer and told me to strike the bird in the head swiftly. He walked everyone else away from the injured bird and I clubbed the bird with one good hit and it was dead. I picked it up and wrapped it in my gym towel. As I walked the bird away, I threw the wrapped up bird in the trash. Now this bird was nothing more than trash and I didn’t shed a tear. The bird was a red breasted robin, when I killed it I wondered for the rest of the day if I made the right decision. Should I have had to make that decision of who or what had to live and die? Who pulled the puppet strings and determined who lived and died? That was also the day I questioned the existence of God. If there was a “God” would he let something like this happen?

I shouldn’t get caught up thinking about that too much because I remember once there was a bully who made fun of me and my sister. His name was Bobby Flannigan and I finally got mad at him and beat him until he couldn’t move. After that day, I felt accomplished and no one ever bullied my sister and I. No one ever did it without knowing that they may face repercussions. People called me crazy, but I didn’t care because I fit the bill just fine.

    As I stood there my head counselor Bill Johnson came over there and concernedly asked:

“Taison, is everything ok this morning? Everyone is waiting for you to take your shot”.

“Yes everything is just fine this morning. I have a lot on my mind is all” I said sounding glum.

“After lunch today go talk to Dr. Ronson. She is very skilled at listening and she is very friendly. I’m sure you’d like her” Bill said excitedly.

“Ok I suppose I can” I said firing back quickly.

“Sure a paid on the clock session is ok as long as you talk to her” Bill said back quickly.

"Ok no problem”  and as I said that I shot a bullseye. Bill couldn’t believe his eyes. I had already shot two bullseyes before that this morning. so dear diary I bid you ado."